If you’ve been reading this blog for a while, then you probably already know me quite well (let’s be honest I don’t really hold back). You know that I love coconut cream smoothies and roast pumpkin (but can’t eat them right now because I’m starving parasites of their sugar-energy). You know I love my morning run (and am NOT a very kind person without my morning endorphin hit). You know (at least at the moment) I do daily enemas (and actually enjoy them).

You know that I’m shamelessly honest, bright-eyed, slighlty gullible (but getting better at saying “no”) and am highly motivated and driven (this girl get’s shit done! – except remembering to make hairdressing appointments, I really do let my locks get wild before doing anything about them).

It’s the latter “highly motivated and driven” side I’d like to delve into today. I’m one of those people (perhaps you can relate) where I like going to bed knowing I’ve acheived at least one thing in my day. Whether it’s a run, a blog post, baking mum a loaf of gluten-free bread (that doesn’t taste like cardboard) or catching up with a friend, I like to achieve SOMETHING!

My trademark is my positive, albeit Pollyanna-like, attitude and seemingly endless supply of energy (up and till 8pm – this chicken is NOT a night owl). However for the last two weeks I’ve been getting to know a Rachel that totally isn’t the normal me … and she’s okay, in fact, she’s a lot more balanced, gentle and easy-going.

I think I’m going to keep her.

Two Tuesdays ago I had a liver biopsy. I’ve recently come off all my prescription medication (can I get a YEE-HAAAAAA) and my gastroenterologist just needs to make sure that my liver is all G. I was initially told to allow a 3-day recovery period and I sure needed it. Holy effing  fuckballs! The pain! The fatigue! Remind me never to have another Liver Biospy.

Attractive Picture I know … this was taken post-surgery (my Damask Rose spritzer sure got a work-out … I did not want any pain-relief … no more stress for my liver THANK YOU! Plus the nurses kept commenting that my little area smelled amazing … I love it when other people appreciate essential oils like I do)

So much for 3-days. Day 5 and I was still bloody exhausted. Then last Sunday night I had internal bleeding (and oh my holy heckly goodness is it painful … and this is coming from a girl that had second-degree burns a few years back without so much as going to the hospital!). I was in so much agony that I was vomiting and almost convulsing … needless to say we called an ambulance.

I was all strapped in and ready to go when we realised we might not have ambulance cover … the pain had lessened a bit (either that or the relief of having paramedics by my side had, on some psychological level, calmed me down and eqipped me with more strength to deal with the pain) so I stumbled back down the garden path and into the house and asked mum to please just take me in her car. A $1000 ambulance ride that wouldn’t get me to emergency any faster or have me seen-to any sooner just didn’t seem worth it.

Of course by the time we got to emergency the pain had gone from a flat-out 110/10 to a slightly noticacable 1 or 2 (typical!). By the time the nurse did some observations on me, it was a 0 and I just wanted to be home, sleeping off the evening’s traumatic antics. On the bright-side, I’v never been to the emergency room before and now I have a semi-interesting story about “that time I had internal bleeding”.

To condense the all-nighter experience into a few sentences; the bleeding stopped by itself (hence the pain reduction), the blood tests came back healthy and it turns out, the surgeon should’ve told me to take it easy for 2 weeks and not 3 days.

Who knew that cleaning the bathroom could be so dangerous 5 days after surgery? Lesson learned – cleaning is dangerous.

Why am I boring you with such antics?

Because this whole experience has forced me to let-go. To take time off work, only study for short periods of time, walk instead or run (and not ride my bike everywhere) and give my digestive system the best break it’s had in a long while.

The best thing about this lesson?

I’m at peace with how gentle I’m being and not feeling guilty. I’ve also learned that I don’t “have-to” run everyday. I don’t have to be “productive” all the time. It’s okay to take naps when I’m tired … usually I fight the urge, convinced that I won’t sleep well at night if I’ve already gotten some shut-eye during the daylight hours.

I’ve also had lots of thinking time and reckon I’ve become more open-minded and balanced. I’m still recovering from my “judgemental, preachy, annoying, high-maintenence” health-elation phase,

I’ve been listening to my language and noticing what I like about it and what I don’t. I’ve even been reconsidering some pieces I’ve written and wondering whether my input was “really” necassary. There’s always two sides to a story and I’m starting to read both sides again. I’m still going to question everything, but in a curious way, rather than a bitter, conspiracy-theorist type of way.

I’ve also had two weeks where I haven’t been physically able to over-eat and I am going to try to keep this up – especially at night-time right before bed! I’ve also been eating regular meals at normal times, rather than fasting until a certain-time and then only eating two meals a day.

It’s great – my appetite seems more consistent and heartier than it did before and I’m starting to feel like my digestion is working the way it should.

By allowing myself to relish in the delight that is ‘recovery’ – a path that has been paved with frustration and urgency at times – I’ve come to appreciate that walking is still very-much exercise. I usually class it as an “extra” that doesn’t count unless I’ve done something “more physical” as well on that day – rigid, stinkin thinkin!

That sometimes soup, soup and more soup until dinner for a few days is a groovy way to heal the gut and obtain nutrients without digestive burden.

That lying on my bed watching TV is sometimes the most productive thing I could be doing, becuase allowing the body to rest is something not to be  overlooked.

Our world is pressure filled and fast-paced and I’m taking a stand against that from now on. Walking before running, soup before solids and conversations with friends before tackling major assignments.

These past two weeks, I’ve still kept fit, mentally agile, nourished and well … but without the pressure of an exercise “routine”, self-fabricated assignment deadlines – because I set my own deadlines way before the actual  due date so that I can’t leave things until the last minute – or typical nutrition “rules” that involve structuring a meal in a “nutritionally-balanced” way – sometimes to find balance, the body will crave an extreme quantity of one thing.

I wrote this post a while back on urgency, so if you’ve had yourself a little bobble-headed nod-gasm, this post (which I will admit is lacking pictures and feels a bit all over the place), maybe head on back and give that one a read too.

Yours in defying deadlines, dogma and self-inflicted expectations,

(the more grounded and balanced) Rachie xxx