Humour via horoscopes.
I’m a sucker for all that zodiac jazz.
It’s also no secret that I love talking turds.
With the toilet paper hoarding of late going down, I thought it might be fun to personify 12 foods that help to co-create euphoric bowel motions and meet them from an astrological perspective.
Some foods are common whilst some are quirky, because if you can’t name drop a few innovative ingredients in an article about astrology where can you?
At the very least, it should inspire you to amend your anal evacuations, saving you the irrational fear of toilet paper insecurity. A good poo is one that barely needs a wipe down after voiding.
This is the very first planetary poop guide I have yet to see. Tag your astrologically-minded mates and let’s have a laugh.
Aries: March 21st – April 20th
Aries are energetic trailblazers and don’t mess about. From a nutritional perspective, I see them as hot-headed chillies. They charge up our metabolisms and encourage our poop-production line to ramp up the heat, helping our 8 o’clock trains become the express.
I like adding chilli flakes to the green ecstasy smoothie in Periods, Poo & A Glorious You for a choc-chillie fusion that kick-starts my day.
Taurus: April 21st – May 21st
Stubborn by nature and here to stay the course, earthy Taurus Sun signs value consistency. I see them as bananas. By their very nature, bananas ripen on their own schedule, green one day and sugar-spotty the next. When it comes to a good poo, bananas are a practical choice, even taking on the shape of a smiling poopsy-la-la. As I like to say, a narnie a day keeps our colon bugs at play. Try them sliced and dipped in nut butter, blended into porridge or frozen for ‘ice cream’ bites.
Gemini: May 22nd – June 22nd
A versatile and dual-sided air sign, a Gemini’s energy is changeable and exciting. My pick here the glorious zucchini. Hosting a decent amount of poo-pushing fibre, the humble courgette lends itself to sweet and savoury ventures, from green smoothies and chocolate muffins to risottos and frittatas.
Cancer: June 23rd- July 23rd
The maternal nurturer of the zodiac, Cancer energy is all about soothing and serving. For that reason, I choose Aloe Vera. It pacifies an inflamed digestive tract, creating a hospitable abode for your colon bugs, whilst supporting a smooth journey of waste matter through the intestinal adventure tunnel. Try adding the fresh plant to a sweet green smoothie for some poop-pacifying TLC.
Leo: July 24th – August 23rd
The show-pony of the astrological world, a sun in Leo likes to be in the spotlight. Leo is the second fire sign of the zodiac, so I’ve chosen another fiery food; ginger. Ginger will stimulate the bowels and warm the soul, whilst leaving a short after-burn, so as not to be forgotten.
I like to slice fresh chunks of ginger and dip them into homemade sunflower seed butter or peanut butter for a no-fuss snack.
Virgo: August 24th – September 23rd
A loyal perfectionist who values health above all else. If you want a job done right, hire a Virgo. Who else fits this bill but glorious Flaxseed? Whilst sweeping the intestines clean and balancing hormones, she’ll also boost brain and skin health with her trusty Omega-3 fatty acids.
My favourite flax recipe involves ground flax seed meal layered between a mixture of coconut yoghurt, mashed banana and rolled oats in a recycled jar. It’s sweet, creamy, satiating and very kind to the tummy.
Libra: September 24th – October 23rd
The sign of harmony, style and grace, if Librans were to be represented by a food, that food would be brown rice. Brown rice takes on many a form, from a fibre-rich brekkie porridge to a balancing bed for lentil dhal. Easing constipation whilst being gently on a tummy recovering from the runs, Brown rice has every poo’s best interest at heart.
Scorpio: October 4th – November 22nd
An intense and sometimes moody water sign, what better a bowel-stimulating food to represent Scorpio than the celebrated coffee bean? Not only can coffee ease chronic constipation, giving us the gift of consistent crapolas*, it is also known to boosts mental clarity, and bring out our sensual side.
*this is not a misspelling of a popular crayon brand, ‘crapola’ is a terrific turd-depicting euphemism.
Give us this day, our daily bean and forgive us our tardy asses. As we forgive those who have stagnated our bowels and lead us not to constipation, but deliver us a mighty turd. A to the men.
I like my coffee black and blended with dates and ice cubes, or added to a green cacao smoothie for a ‘salad in a glass’ that tastes like mocha.
Sagittarius: November 23rd – December 21st
The kiddlets of the zodiac, like Cyndi Lauper, Sagittarians just want to have fun. As such, I reckon they deserve to be represented by cacao. The colon-relaxing bean of chocolate fame is every bit as nutritious as it is delicious. Magnesium is a vital ingredient for a good poo and cacao contains truckloads of it. Adventurous and often fearless Sagittarians Suns like to have their chocolate and a jolly good poo as well.
I add cacao to all my smoothies and also adore using it to create mug cakes, single-serve brownie batter bowls (based on black beans) or in the seductive chocolate foodgasm pudding in this book.
Capricorn: December 22nd – January 20th
The adult to the Sagittarian kid, Capricorns are methodical planners. They are persistent and have an affinity for long-term goals. In terms of bowel health, we’re after a food that stands the test of time and takes the co-creation of a healthy butt truffle mighty seriously. Prunes, are an appropriate choice, me thinks. Rich in both iron and fibre, they’ll keep you as strong as they do regular. Try them in a dried fruit mix and add this fruity rhapsody to a muesli or brownie recipe. Underrated, but so good!
Aquarius: Jan 21st – February 19th
Innovative and humanitarian-minded Aquarians are ahead of their time. For this reason, I’ve chosen green banana flour to be their dietary doppelgänger. Made from bananas too green to satisfy the market, banana flour is rich in vitamins and colon-loving resistant starch. Lending its floury merits to the likes of pancakes and pizza bases, banana flour both prevents wastage and perfects poos.
Pisces: Feb 20th – March 20th
The most sensitive and empathetic of all the signs, I am gifting Pisces the honour of being aligned with the compassionate coconut, who can boost immunity, metabolic rate and hormonal health, whilst meeting the needs of sensitive tummies.
Coconut milk serves dairy ditchers, whilst coconut butter appeases nutty abstainers. Coconut oil is far superior to generic vegetable oils, and even generously offers to lube up the end of an enema catheter for those who require pacification in the poopy department. Finally, coconut flour gets on well with other gluten-free flours, allowing coeliacs and autoimmune sufferers to rejoice in a fibre-rich daily bread.