In Defence of Food - real soup for the real soul

As a nutritionist, and food-loving human, it is my job to lend a voice to the innocent ingredients that are commonly used as diet-shaming clickbait. As nutritional science can get drier than cereal without milk, I’m sprucing up the conversation by turning it into a lively courtroom drama. Welcome to Raw & Disorder, let’s begin.

In the nutritional justice system, dietary based offenses do not sustain us. In this article, a whimsical nutritionist lends her platform to vilified food stuffs. These are their stories. *Dun, Dun*.

Serena Sourdough

My name is Serena and I am one sour dough, having been vilified for many narrow-minded reasons.

Because…

I’m often made from a crop sprayed with Herbicides.

I contain carbohydrates.

I am not gluten-free.

Even – I kid you not – because I am not a slice of Sweet Potato.

Folks could just buy my Spelt, Rye, Oat or Khorasan varieties if they don’t fancy herbicides.

They could get excited about fibre, and the fact that not all carbs are created equal.

If they can’t eat gluten, we can simply agree that I don’t agree with them (or their bowels).

Friends, can we please stop comparing apples and oranges, or, to be literal, sourdough and spuds?

When made from whole, spray-free grains, I am a brilliant source of poo-pushing fibre and mood-boosting B-vitamins. I also offer refuge to toast toppers that are seeking asylum, from smashed Avo to creamy peanut butter (crunchy or smooth – I don’t discriminate).

Riley Rice

My name is Riley and I would like to take this opportunity to plea my case. Yes, I contain carbohydrates. But I ask you, Your Honour, ‘why do we demonise this macronutrient and many of the foods that contain it?’

Is it because of the Paleo (not to be confused with Polio) ‘virus’?

Or the fact that we once read a buzz feed article about Type 2 diabetes that said to avoid white rice?

Perhaps it’s just because ‘I don’t eat carbs’ became a comedic tag line in the 90’s, when Atkin’s was all the rage?

Here’s what you may not know.

If you cook me and cool me down, much of my starch is converted into resistant starch, which, as the name suggests, resists digestion in your small intestine, travelling down to your colon and feeding your bowel flora. As a token of gratitude, they gift you a glorious poo.

Let’s stop fighting and instead, enjoy a rather literal Netflix’ n’ chill. Yep, binge-watching and sushi.

Betty Butter

My name is Betty and yes, I contain cholesterol. But guess what? You need cholesterol. In fact, your body is so dependent upon cholesterol that if you don’t eat enough of it, your dependable liver will make up the difference for you.

Why? Because cholesterol is required for healing and cellular repair.

This is what they forgot to teach you in health class.

I also contain fat-soluble vitamins A, D, E and K and, let’s be real, I taste better than Maisy Margarine. Speaking of the greasy devil, did you know that before they bleached and dyed her solid matter, Maisy wasn’t even yellow? Yup, she’s practically stealing my identity. But I don’t hold grudges, I’d rather spend my time being slathered on toast.

Chester Chickpea

‘Now Chester’, I hear you ask, ‘what are you doing here? Folks love you’.

Indeed, many do, but what you might find surprising is the number of people who are scared of my fibrous structure and its tendency to cause a wee (or should I say poo?) bit of flatus.

Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, let me take you on a trip down intestinal lane.

Once my fibres have been separated from my proteins, starches, vitamins and minerals, they travel into the large intestine and feed your precious colon bugs. Just like Riley Rice when she’s Netflix and chillin’, I too lend a fibrous hand to your poop-production line.

During the process, some gas is produced and released, but you know what they say, don’t you? Better out than in.

Penelope Peanut

To those who are anaphylactic to my botanical proteins, I am sorry. To everyone else, I am not.

Hi, I’m Penelope and I feel the need to defend some defamatory claims made against my nutty peas.

Yes, I am dense in energy, but my proteins boost your metabolism and my fatty acids balance your hormones. I am rich in B vitamins and vital minerals, such as stress-soothing magnesium.

Okay, so sometimes humans blend me up with salt, sugar and vegetable oil, but that’s not my fault. I did not consent! I prefer to be blended on my lonesome, so that when I have playdates with my mates Sourdough and Jelly, I can show up ‘al naturale’.

Brittany Banana

Order, order in this courtroom! Please, stop making penis gags, I cannot help my shape and I stand before you with an important message.

I, Brittany Banana, am not fattening. Well, not on my lonesome anyway. You want to wash me down with a litre and a half of cola? Fine, but don’t come crying to me when you blood sugar spikes.

I’ll admit that other than Olivia Olive and Andy Avocado, I have one of the higher energy contents of all the fruits, but as is the case for my dear mate Penelope (Peanut), my energy is useful energy.

I too contain poo-pushing resistant starch. In fact, some even say I look like a model number four on the Bristol Stool Chart. I am also rich is vitamin B6 and the life-sustaining electrolyte, potassium.

Do not fear me, peel me, chop me, freeze me and blend me into luscious banana (n)ice-creamy.

Collette Coffee

It is with great privilege that I stand before you today, humbled to see myself represented in the keep cups so many of you were nursing during our court recess. As you have heard from many of my friends here today, we, as whole foods, often get combined with additional ingredients that bring down our credibility.

When grown sustainably and prepared with quality liquids, such as filtered water or wholesome milk – or ‘mylk’, for those who wake at four in the morning to ‘milk’ those almonds – I am a liver-loving, antioxidant bomb that boosts metabolism and optimises performance.

I may not be marginalised, but I’ve seen enough elimination diet lists to know that some folks don’t like me. Yes, I’m addictive, so is chilli. Yes, I elevate cortisol levels, so does exercise. I rest my case.

Chelsea Chocolate

Hello everyone, my name is Chelsea and in pure form, I am one of the richest food sources of magnesium this planet has ever known. Yep, that mineral you’re urged to buy on nearly every trip to the pharmacy, well, I contain stacks of her. I’m also swimming in antioxidants and, as you probably figured out many Easter egg hunts ago, contain natural constituents that elevate mood.

To reap my benefits is simple; learn to love my darker shades. Anything from 70% cacao and up is the go. You can also buy my raw powder and add her to smoothies, muffins, cakes, puddings, porridge and even homemade nut fudge (cacao, nut butter, coconut oil and honey – or stevia, rice malt or maple syrup if you prefer – blended and frozen).

Of course, if I’m blended with milk solids and sugar and emulsified with soy lethicin I lose some nutritional credentials, but, to quote my foodie friends before me, ‘that’s not my fault!’