So, this article was originally called ‘I just can’t wait to be s***’ (a parody of the Lion King’s ‘I just can’t wait to be king’). But shortly after hitting ‘post’, I panicked. What if people don’t read the article but they see the title? I for one am NOT waiting in line to become a turd and I can’t for one second have anyone believing that I am. I have a reputation to protect.

You: Rach, you wrote a book with a bright pink cartoon uterus on the cover, what part of your reputation is left to protect?

Me: How very dare you? The cover of Periods, Poo & A Glorious You is a modern masterpiece … and that is a hill I am willing to die on!

You: Okay, okay! Can you just teach me about dietary fibre already?

Me: How about we get dietary fibres to address you directly. After all, they genuinely can’t wait to be s***.

‘I Just Can’t Wait To Be S***’ is a parody performed by dietary fibre. The lyrics are what I’m assuming they ‘sing’ as they anticipate the glory of sliding out of your intestinal slippery dip in one, long, smooth, satisfying piece. Basically, this poopy performance is about the journey of poo.

We really gotta hand it to The Lion King, don’t we? I mean, the lyrics ‘I just can’t wait to be king’ can so easily be changed to ‘I just can’t wait to be s***’ (it’s almost as if Elton John knew), which is exactly what the fibres in your favourite foods are thinking as they begin their digestive field trip.

Last time we met, we compared The Circle of Life to our gut microbiomes. Today, I’ll be taking cues from Sir Elton John and Tim Rice (songwriting royalty), altering their classic Lion King hit to talk, quite literally, about the journey of s***. But first, a moment to appreciate that carefully embedded rhyme … thank you.

You: What rhyme?

Me: Hit and S*** … duh.

“Oh I just can’t wait to be s***”

It’s a song that has been performed countless times before by all of your fibrous friends. From the resistant starch in your leftover baked potatoes to the prebiotics in the cashews that you give ‘come hither’ looks to every time you spy them sitting sexily upon the pantry shelf.

In fact, I believe that these muffins won a ‘Crappy’ award (the colonic-equivalent of a ‘Grammy’) at last year’s MTV (Massive Turd Video) awards. Okay, so clearly that last part is fictional, but isn’t learning far more engaging when humour is used as an educational medium? I mean, would there be a brown carpet at the Crappies? Would the gold trophies be in the shape of a toilet? Who would host the ceremony?

You: Rach, you need help.

Me: do I though?

(Bowel) Movements & Lyrics

Fibre: I’m gonna be a mighty turd, so toilets best beware

Me: Well I’ve never met a spud or seed with so much bulk to share

Fibre: I’m gonna give these bowels a vent,

Like no shit has before

I’m brushing up on flushing down

And tightening up your core

I’ll go so far, your gut can’t help but sing

Oh I just can’t wait to be s***

No one passing “just piss”

They’ll be passing “mushed pear”

With the help of “good fats“

I’ll fly out of their rear

Me: for a long, long time, you know you’ve had my heart

Fibre: Oh Rach, we love to make you fart

Me: Down to my colon, you are headed

and soon, you’ll come right out …

…Of my rear, how spec-tac-u-lar

that’s what this song’s about …

… your journey to becoming faecal bling

Fibre: Oh I just can’t wait to be s***

The take-home?

We need dietary fibre and we need a wide variety of them at that. It’s not a matter of just taking a fibre supplement or buying bread that has been fortified with a trademarked form of resistant starch. We need to brainstorm all of the veggies, fruits, nuts, seeds, legumes and whole grains (not wheat, unless it’s organic) that we enjoy and aim to include as many of them as possible throughout the week.

Those with the most varied diets (well, those who consume the most varied amounts of natural plant fibres) generally have the best health outcomes (and the most satisfying bowel motions). So please. Stop starving your gut bugs by eating fibre-devoid meals or restricting your food intake to such a degree that you gut bugs suffer.

And if you’re currently LYAO*

*Laughing Your Ass Off, may I suggest you adopt my first hilarious book; Periods, Poo & A Glorious You? As a self-published author and qualified nutritionist, I invested in my own work so that for a small fee, you would have access to just about every health lesson I learned between the ages of 12-22 .

This is the ‘bible’ I wished I’d been handed before I began middle school. The resource my immune system wished I’d had before I developed autoimmune hepatitis. The publication that my gut bugs wished I’d had (or more specifically, my parents had) from birth.

And when you purchase direct from me, you’re helping me earn back that investment. Buying from the publisher or places like Booktopia means that for the same cost to you, I earn a lot, lot less. I sell through them as well, only to reach (and thus help) a wider audience. So, if it’s no trouble for you, I’d be grateful if you chose to purchase direct from me.

And to say thank you, if you purchase two or three at a time from my home warehouse, you get a glorious discount and (I’m assuming) one or two of your lucky loved ones will be gifted a book by the GLORIOUS you.

Thank you in advance for supporting me and my mission to heal hormones, bowels and brains the nation over.

Oh, and if you’re after personalised support, your first nutritional consult or counselling session with me comes with a book as well.